WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning and unprecedented move, Senate Democrats have subjected all 75 million Americans who voted for Trump to the Senate’s impeachment trial.

“If we can put a former president who’s now a private citizen on trial, we can put anyone on trial,” Sen. Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. “It’s not only Trump we’re after, but all of his voters as well who enabled his reckless behavior of abiding by the Constitution for this long. They too must suffer the consequences of his actions. I’m confident we’ll end up convicting Trump and the 75 million Americans who voted for him, disqualifying all of them from ever holding federal office again.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Socialist-NY) agreed with the move. “I was almost killed by all these Trump supporters,” AOC said in a statement to her bathroom mirror. “It’s like totally traumatizing having to live with other Americans who dare to disagree with my political views. The mere difference of opinion on all things political has been a constant and imminent threat to my life, and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll survive. So, I like totally agree with Sen. Schumer’s move. It’s like totally justified.”

When questioned later by reporters that there’s obviously not enough room in the Senate chambers for that many people, the Majority Leader said they’ll be holding 75 million different impeachment trials till the end of time.

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Rafi Metz

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