WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Education announced Monday that it has somehow ended up with more employees after attempting to fire half its workforce using Common Core math principles. The snafu, which insiders are calling “the most educational disaster since No Child Left Behind,” has turned a planned downsizing into an accidental hiring spree, with the department now boasting a staff size rivaling a small Midwestern town.

The debacle began last month when Education Secretary Linda McMahon—known for her staunch defense of “innovative” teaching methods—ordered a 50% reduction in staff to “streamline operations and focus on core competencies, whatever those are.” Eager to demonstrate the real-world applicability of Common Core, the department’s HR team decided to calculate the layoffs using the same convoluted math standards taught in schools nationwide.

“We thought it’d be a great way to show how Common Core prepares students for real-life problem-solving,” said HR Director Carl Calculess, adjusting his oversized novelty tie shaped like a protractor. “You know, instead of just dividing our 10,000 employees by 2 and firing 5,000, we had to make it more… experiential. So we asked ourselves: What does ‘half’ really mean in the context of a workforce? Is it emotional halves? Productivity halves? Turns out, it’s complicated!”

According to internal memos obtained by this outlet, the department broke the process into a series of “rigorous” steps straight out of a Common Core workbook: First, employees were asked to write essays explaining why they thought “half” might not mean 50%. Then, they were grouped into “collaborative pods” to draw diagrams representing “the concept of reduction” using only circles and feelings. Finally, managers were instructed to “estimate” layoffs by imagining a number line where every employee was a fraction of a whole human, but only on Tuesdays.

The result? Utter chaos. By the time the dust settled, the department had not only failed to fire anyone but had accidentally hired an additional 3,472 staffers—mostly confused substitute teachers and former cafeteria workers who wandered in during the “collaborative pod” phase and were handed contracts. “I just came in to drop off some gluten-free tater tots,” said one bewildered new hire, now listed as “Assistant Deputy Secretary for Triangular Learning Outcomes.” “Next thing I know, I’m being asked to explain the emotional quotient of a decimal point.”

Critics of Common Core seized on the blunder as proof of its flaws. “This is what happens when you let feelings do math,” barked Senator Chuck “No-Nonsense” Griddle (R-TX), waving a crumpled abacus during a fiery Senate hearing. “Back in my day, half meant half! Not ‘half plus a hug minus your self-esteem times the square root of a whiteboard marker!’” Meanwhile, Common Core advocates doubled down, arguing that the department’s new headcount actually represents a “deeper understanding” of what reduction means in a “holistic” sense.

Secretary McThinkington, for her part, remained defiant in a press conference held in a room inexplicably filled with foam blocks and yoga mats. “We didn’t fail—we innovated!” she declared, holding up a pie chart that appeared to depict a pizza party instead of data. “Sure, we have more employees now, but think of the learning journey! Plus, all these new hires give us more perspectives on what ‘half’ could mean next time we try this. Maybe it’s half the chairs? Half the coffee? The possibilities are endless!”

As of press time, the Department of Education has reportedly scheduled a follow-up “math summit” to recalculate the layoffs—this time using interpretive dance and a set of Montessori beads. Sources say they’re aiming to reduce the workforce by “approximately one-third,” but early projections suggest this could result in the department accidentally annexing the Department of Agriculture by mistake.

Meanwhile, taxpayers are left wondering if the real lesson here isn’t about math at all—but about the dangers of letting bureaucrats anywhere near a calculator, Common Core or otherwise.

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