The scene can be described as jarring:  A room full of octogenarians sitting around card tables and swilling beer while discussing how their culturally backwards patriarchal institution, the Catholic Church, may one day reascend to the tops of society and supplant government in their quest to “serve the poor.”  Well, for now it will continue to be just the feverish pipe dreams of nutty fanatics thanks to the crack work of the San Diego Police Department.

Detective Gerard Hopkins knew from a very young age that he was called to publicly serve in the name of justice, but even such resolve could not prepare him for going undercover and infiltrating the well-known-right-wing-religious-extremist-group the Knights of Columbus.  Long believed to be little more than a fraternity of middle-aged men who conduct Lenten Fish Frys and other community building functions, Detective Hopkins and Senator Kamala Harris have long seen through their facade.

The story begins with Senator Harris having a gut feeling that something dubious was going on at the nefarious headquarters of the San Diego Knights.  In the quiet hours, while innocent citizens rested, Kamala Harris was hatching a plot with Detective Hopkins on doing some important undercover work.  Knowing that great things were ahead, the detective began the process of forging documents to convince the San Diego chapter that he was a transplanted Knight of the highest degree from Northern California.  Mr. Hopkins and Miss Harris believed it would be his best shot at getting right in at the top and immediately becoming involved in the terroristic plots that they intended to unfurl.

If it were for lack of trust or whatever, Detective Hopkins was relegated in the first six months to doughnut socials and Lenten Fish Fries at Our Lady of Perpetual Kindness in the suburbs of San Diego.  He was ready to give up his undercover work when providence finally showed its beautiful face.  Detective Hopkins was invited to the Knight’s headquarters where they unfolded a scheme to pray rosaries and offer sidewalk counsel to women in crisis pregnancies at the local Planned Parenthood.

“This was the break we were looking for.” Detective Hopkins explained, “Don’t they know such brazen acts of woman hatred is unequivocally against the law in this great state of California?” He immediately called Senator Harris and relayed their heinous plot.

Thanks to the crack work of these two civic heroes, the ATF, FBI, DEA, San Diego PD, Sheriff’s Department, and ICE were all dispatched to the location where the group rosary was to be prayed and they arrested each and every one of those extremists before they could offer any sort of hope or redemption to the terrified women who believed they had no other choice.

Since the heroic escapades of Detective Hopkins and Senator Harris each and every one of those Knights of Columbus– publicly praying their scary little rosaries– have justly received the death penalty.  In this great state of California, every living thing is afforded the constitutional guarantees of life and liberty– except of course conservative men and babies.  Those types are too patriarchal and are a threat to equality.

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Earnest O'Connor

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