DiCaprio: ‘Humanity has 12 years to repent and submit to my climate authority!’

Leonardo DiCaprio has called on his followers to repent and submit to his climate authority in a bid to save humanity from impending destruction.

He made the comment as fires rip through the Amazon Rainforest in Brazil, the world’s largest tropical forest. It is not only home to around one million indigenous people and three million species of plants and animals, it is also a vital carbon store which slows down the pace of global warming.

“The Amazon is the Earth’s lungs,” DiCaprio said in a presentation to the United Nations dressed in regal garb and shooting red laser beams out of his eyes, “and I am the Earth’s soul. Repent of your meat-eating, pollution-creating ways or I will destroy the Earth entirely in 12 years!”

Many have criticized the appearance of the climate change community as sort of a cult but DiCaprio defended it.

“There are unbelievers and they will criticize our blind adherence to a doctrine of anthropogenic global warming that is within the margin of error despite data manipulation by our clerics. But you will all be damned to eternity if you do not become vegan and give all your money to this cause. This cause is worth our child sacrifices through abortion. It is worth everything.”