SACRAMENTO—Governor Gavin Newsom has decreed a new set of social distancing guidelines from on high allowing the peasant classes to congregate in gatherings of up to three families at one time as long as a midget is present and there is no laughing.
The Oct. 9 document, “Mandatory Requirements for All Gatherings,” explains that all private gatherings must limit the number of attendees and are required to be held in garages with cars running.
“Gatherings are defined as social situations that bring together people from different households at the same time in a single space or place. When people from different households mix, this increases the risk of transmission of the dreaded disease that social media won’t let us mention,” Newsom said in an exclusive interview with Genesius Times.
When questioned about the midget, Newsom responded with a sinister smile. “I can do whatever the hell I want. That’s why the midget clause is in there.”
Californians celebrated the newfound freedom granted by their dictator and moved to book the nearest midget they could find for their gatherings.
“Church is still against the law as are any political protests that don’t involve burning cities to the ground,” Newsom added. “If I hear any singing I will hunt you down and kill you myself.”