President Biden has this strange tendency of recalling stories that never actually happened. No one’s exactly sure what processes are occurring in his brain each time he tells over one of these stories. Either way, because he’s done this so many times already, here’s a compilation of some other times Biden recalled a story that never happened:

• His son Beau Biden fought in the Continental Army against the British. “My son Beau fought a division of British soldiers in Manhattan. Things were going well until he got stuck in traffic at the Lincoln Tunnel. It all went south from there. From that point onward, he vowed to defeat Queen Elizabeth II.”
• His son Beau fought in the War of 1812. “I don’t remember the exact year of the War of 1812, but my son Beau fought in that war. Because he was unfamiliar with the layout of the White House, he was often bested by British soldiers. I told him to use Waze or Google Maps.”
• He worked on garnering support among the slave population to help Abraham Lincoln win the Civil War. “I threatened the slaves by warning them that if they didn’t support Lincoln, he’d put ya’ll back in chains.”
• He hit a walk-off homerun during the 1874 Congressional Baseball Game. “It was the bottom of the ninth and we were losing 9-8. Yogi Berra was on first base and Babe Ruth was on second base. I stepped up to the plate and waited patiently for my pitch. Then, I took the hardest swing I could muster and hit the ball so far away from the field, it broke Hunter’s laptop and destroyed Hillary’s emails. Nobody had explained to me until today that it was called a ‘walk-off homerun’, because I always thought that a walk-off homerun was a homerun that was so intense that you had to walk it off afterwards.”
• He was arrested during the Prohibition Era for consuming alcohol. “When Prohibition became the law of the land, you couldn’t drink, buy, or sell alcohol. But I didn’t care and drank anyway. I was eventually arrested, along with Nelson Mandela. Because of New York’s new bail laws, I was released the following day.”

If you’re still skeptical about the truthfulness of Biden’s tales, you’ll be glad to know that CNN rated each of these stories as “mostly true.”

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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