WASHINGTON, DC—John Kerry, the President Biden’s Envoy for Climate, suggested in an interview today that the federal government should impose taxes on breathing to fight climate change.

“The science is very clear on this: breathing is the number one driver of man-made climate change,” Kerry said, while struggling to keep up his extremely long chin. “If we can get everyone’s breathing under control, we can save our planet from the impending climate apocalypse. And it means a brighter future for everyone.”

Kerry has been working with the communist squad in Congress to devise a tax system on breathing. Their proposed bill operates in almost the same way as our income tax system: the more breaths you take per day the more taxes you pay, and the fewer breaths you take per day the less taxes you pay. Each breath is taxed at one-cent, adjusted for inflation.

There are no exemptions from the mandate. There are, however, certain deductions you can take. For example, if a person held their breath for a period of time, they can deduct from their taxes the average number of breaths you would have taken during said time. So, if you would have taken 300 breaths during that time period, you can deduct 300 cents from your total tax liability, i.e. $3.00, and so on.

The IRS will be installing breathing detectors nationwide to monitor things like breathing fraud and breathing evasion. The IRS has put out an advanced warning to anyone who might disobey the new law, that they may be deprived of their ability to breath – permanently.

So we wouldn’t mess around.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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