LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning and totally not-made-up press conference this morning, LAPD Chief Jim McDonnell shocked the nation by publicly requesting that Kyle Rittenhouse, the controversial figure from the 2020 Kenosha protests, hop on the next red-eye to Los Angeles to assist with ongoing riots in the city.

“We’re facing unprecedented chaos out here—looters, arsonists, and people double-parking on Sunset Boulevard,” Chief McDonnell said, wiping sweat from his brow. “We’ve tried tear gas, batons, and even asking nicely, but nothing’s working. That’s why I’m formally asking Kyle Rittenhouse to bring his, uh, unique skill set to LA. We need a hero with a rifle to restore order!”

The fictional riots, which we’ve decided involve rogue skateboarders and rogue vegan food trucks clashing over parking spots in downtown LA, have reportedly overwhelmed the LAPD’s resources. “Kyle’s got experience in high-pressure situations,” McDonnell continued, gesturing wildly at a PowerPoint slide titled ‘Rittenhouse Riot Response Plan.’ “He’s young, he’s scrappy, and he’s got an AR-15. What more could we ask for?”

Rittenhouse, now 22, has not yet responded to the LAPD’s plea, but sources close to the situation (aka our intern, Chad) claim he’s “packing his bags and Googling ‘LA traffic tips.’” Social media exploded with reactions, with #KyleToLA trending alongside hashtags like #RiotRittenhouse and #LAPDDesperate.

Critics slammed the move as reckless. “This is absurd!” shouted fictional activist Karen McProtest. “Why not call in the National Guard, or at least someone who’s seen more than one season of Cops?” Others, however, cheered the bold strategy. “Kyle’s the guy!” tweeted

@PatriotGuns420. “He’ll clear those vegan trucks faster than you can say ‘tofu blockade!’”

Chief Moore doubled down, insisting Rittenhouse would be deputized upon arrival and issued an LAPD-branded tactical vest with “Riot Responder” bedazzled on the back. “We’re not saying he’s Batman, but, like, he’s kinda Batman,” Moore mumbled, dodging questions about liability, training, or whether this was all just a fever dream.

The riots, which we’re imagining involve flaming avocado toast and rogue skateboarders doing kickflips over police cruisers, show no signs of slowing. As LA waits for its rifle-toting savior, one thing’s clear: this is either the boldest policing move in history or the weirdest reality TV pitch yet.

About Author