US—Milk carton manufacturers will be featuring a picture of President* Joe Biden on their packaging in an effort to find the man who has mysteriously disappeared.

He is increasingly gone from the national spotlight with each additional national and global scandal including the latest disaster in Afghanistan.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki is also missing.

Now when we say lost, we are not referring to his mind which he lost decades ago. We’re going for a habeas corpus sorta thing. Sure there are basement videos and outdoor videos in a language which we’ve never heard of but those are just Artificial Lack-of Intelligence Deep Fakes.

No, we mean nobody has seen or heard from the real Joe Biden for at least three months as the world has caught on fire.

Some reports show him touring Shampoo factories in the Midwest. Of course having to wear a mask and gloves amid COVID-19 has significantly hamstrung his regular grab-n’-sniff. But that hasn’t stopped Joe or somebody who looked like him. Right outside his hotel room is a line of recent high school grads. who have brought their diplomas for him to ‘personally sign’. Uh-huh.

A more recent report has him allegedly in the studios of Babel and Rosetta Stone recording a new language called, “Binglish”. Phrases such as “Come on man”, “That’s a big F’in Deal”, “You ain’t Black“, and “If you work at 7-11 you have an Indian accent” make up the linguistic base. From there he teaches you to say them in different accents depending on the audience to which you are pandering.

The fact is nobody knows if Uncle Joe is dead or alive, much like Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Nancy Pelosi. I guess we’ll just have to wait for “Weekend with Biden” and go from there.

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