New evidence proves that Cain killed Abel after first-shooter video game binge

After several prominent figures have hypothesized that violent video games were to blame for the horrific mass shootings recently by loser guys, many have questioned the idea.

But new evidence has come to light that proves that the first murder in the history of mankind–that of Cain killing Abel–followed the assailant’s 12-hour binge of first-person shooter video games.

“We had a hunch that video games were the cause of murder, but now we have the proof!” Walter Waltersface of the Anti-Gamer League said.

The proof is a depiction of the prehistoric act dated around 100 BCE. It shows Cain pummeling his brother with an X-Box controller in brutal detail.

“There’s no doubt what’s going on here. The video games made him do it.”

It’s unclear whether the video games are to blame for all violent crime or just the news-worthy mass shootings.


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