US—If you’re a pervy middle manager in a Fortune 500 company, you’re in luck! Thanks to President* Biden’s new vaccine mandate, you can get away with pretty much any sexual harassment in the workplace.

Try these on next Monday with your direct reports:

• “Hi Laura, I’m going to stick a long, point, thing in you and squirt multiple times until I’m satisfied.”
• “Hey Jeff, you don’t have any diseases do you?”
• “Monique, you have protection right?”
• “Hey Susan, Bill in HR said that you once got three jabs at the same time. Is that true?”
• “Jeanie, it sounds like you really need someone to stick it in you three—maybe four times.”
• “Don’t worry, you won’t get sick if you get some of my bodily fluids on you.”

The list goes on and on.

If the line doesn’t work, just say you’re talking about the vaccine and that you’re going to report the employee to HR as a science-denying flat-earther.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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