SAN FRANCISCO—In a startling turn of events, the city of San Francisco has taken a bold step in its ongoing battle against the global pandemic. Police officers in the city have started arresting peaceful shoplifters, not for their thefts, but for not wearing masks while committing their alleged crimes.

“We’re committed to enforcing the rule of law, and that includes maintaining strict compliance with mask mandates,” said Police Chief Patricia Larceny during a press conference. “It’s essential that even those engaging in acts of larceny follow public health guidelines.”

The move has left many scratching their heads, wondering if this is the most effective way to combat both shoplifting and the spread of COVID-19. Some have even taken to calling it the “Two Birds, One Mask” initiative.

“This is appalling,” one resident said. “I mean a guy can’t walk into a store and steal a few thousands dollars worth of stuff for his hungry family without working about the mask police? This is insane!”

According to the new enforcement policy, individuals caught shoplifting without masks will be issued citations for both the theft and a mask violation. Repeat offenders could face stiffer penalties, including mandatory mask-fitting sessions and complimentary mask customization to match their unique criminal style.

Critics of the policy argue that it misses the mark on addressing the root causes of theft in the city and instead focuses on superficial issues. “We should be looking at the socioeconomic factors that lead to shoplifting,” said one community advocate. “Not whether a thief is wearing a mask while stealing a loaf of bread.”

Meanwhile, the shoplifting community has responded to the new policy by investing in fashionable, designer masks, hoping to make a statement with their choice of facial coverings. “If I’m going to be arrested for shoplifting, I want to do it in style,” quipped one daring shoplifter sporting a bedazzled mask.

As San Francisco forges ahead with its unconventional approach to law enforcement, the rest of the nation watches with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. Will this new strategy succeed in both reducing theft and curbing the spread of COVID-19? Or will it end up being just another chapter in the city’s eccentric history? Only time will tell.

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