Selfie-taking 8-year-old arrested at Capitol for insurrection
WASHINGTON DC- Eight year-old Emma Thompson was arrested by the FBI yesterday at the U.S. Capitol building moments after taking a selfie in the structure’s rotunda. Her immediate arrest likely saved American democracy.
The suspect was on her third grade field trip to learn how oppressed she is living in the freest nation on the planet. After she was escorted inside the building by Capitol police, Emma took a selfie with her parents’ old digital camera (Emma does not have her own cell phone yet). Released security footage shows the brave men of the FBI tackling Emma seconds after taking the photograph. Sporting her sparkly skirt and bald eagle trapper keeper, Emma was hit so hard, she was knocked out of her velcro sneakers.
Luckily, Emma was apprehended before she could massacre Congress and take over the United States government, subjecting the nation’s people to fascism and other really scary things.
The suspect was charged with Insurrection, Conspiracy, Treason and third-degree Loving America Too Much. The suspect is being held in solitary confinement without bail. She faces the death penalty if found guilty.
Former Vice President Joe Biden declared the incident “the worst attack on America since the Civil War,” displaying his vast wealth of historical knowledge and impressive reluctance to sensationalize a minor story for political gain.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was as at home in her luxury apartment during the attack, told reporters she is taking therapy sessions to deal with her tragic assault by “Emma the white supremacist.” Her neglected abuela could not be reached for comment.