Sixteen-year-old Taylor Towns of Newberry is a self-proclaimed social justice warrior who spends most of her time on Snapchat and Tumblr. She recently shed the mental chains of organized religion through online chat groups and discussions with some nihilist teenager friends and now she’s looking forward to ruining Christmas for everyone.

“Christmas is a time of joy and peace and there can be no joy and peace as long as the marginalized peoples of the world suffer,” Taylor said in an interview. “I’m going to make this the worst Christmas ever.”

“Jesus was a social justice warrior. He fought for homosexuals and Muslims and homosexual Muslims!” she continued.

She’s been practicing lines aimed at relatives like, “Jesus and Mary were undocumented immigrants in a Muslim country, so have fun chewing over that with your honey glazed ham,” and, “Did you know that Jesus wasn’t even born in December. So, clearly it’s all a lie.”

Taylor’s father shook his head when he overheard the plan. “Islam wasn’t even a thing in Jesus’s time, honey!”

Taylor was not deterred.

“And Christmas is totally a pagan holiday and the Christians just stole it like they stole land from the Native Americans,” she said.

Taylor predicts she’s going to get the most resistance from her elderly grandmother who always talks about the “Joy of Christ” this time of year. Taylor plans to target her early at the Christmas dinner with, “All your Christmas ‘joy’ is just privilege that oppresses people who don’t celebrate your fictitious holidays.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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