Terrified terrorists now using soup cans with string for communications
In a bizarre twist of events, international terrorist groups have traded in their encrypted messaging apps and advanced technology for a more rustic, soup-based solution: soup cans with string. The move comes after an increasing number of pagers, walkie-talkies, and cell phones mysteriously exploded mid-use, prompting a full-scale communications crisis within the global terror network.
“We know it’s a little messy, having all those strings attached to so many soup cans,” admitted the visibly stressed Ikyll Joos, a high-ranking member of a notorious terrorist organization, speaking from a bunker that reportedly smells strongly of minestrone. “But the mission has to be completed, and we’re adapting.”
As word spread of the terrorists’ rudimentary new method of communication, reports quickly surfaced of unusual sightings in Washington, D.C. A particularly long piece of string was spotted trailing conspicuously out of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s office window, leading to widespread speculation about its purpose.
When approached for comment, her spokesperson, Ihaytha Joos (no relation to Ikyll), offered a perfectly straightforward explanation. “The congresswoman believes in being in constant communication with her constituents. The soup can method is just the next logical step in community outreach.”
Ihaytha, clearly unbothered by the growing frenzy, added, “It’s very grassroots.” She waved off any accusations of impropriety as conspiracy theories cooked up by the “anti-soup crowd,” insisting that Tlaib’s commitment to “canned conversations” was nothing short of revolutionary.
The press corps, eager to lap up this brilliant new method of political engagement, frantically jotted down every detail. One reporter, overcome with emotion, murmured, “This is the future of communication.” Another began clapping through tears, likely inspired by the simple beauty of string-fueled dialogue between terrorist cells and their representatives on Capitol Hill.
Whether this odd fusion of terrorism and kitchenware will prove effective remains to be seen, but one thing is clear: where there’s a will—and a can of Campbell’s—there’s a way.
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