‘The Marvels’ set to shatter opening-weekend record for virtue signals

HOLLYWOOD—In a stunning turn of events for the world of cinema, “The Marvels” is on track to shatter opening weekend records for virtue-signaling, all while not selling a single movie ticket. It’s a groundbreaking achievement that has Hollywood insiders scratching their heads and cancel culture warriors celebrating in disbelief.

“The Marvels,” the latest cinematic offering from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, appears to have discovered the secret formula for achieving unparalleled virtue in the absence of any real-world box office success.

Data show that The Marvels will not generate any ticket sales but will shatter the record of 80 million virtue signals set previously by Captain Marvel.

Director Steven Ambrose, known for his unwavering commitment to social and political commentary, expressed his delight at the film’s groundbreaking performance. “Who needs box office revenue when we can generate so much social media buzz?” Ambrose quipped during a virtual interview.

Even before its release, “The Marvels” was hailed as the most virtuous superhero film ever created, despite the fact that not a single person had seen it. Movie critics, who also hadn’t viewed the film, were quick to label it as a masterclass in woke storytelling, heralding its inclusivity, diversity, and gender neutrality.

The movie’s impressive ensemble cast, despite not appearing on screen or participating in any real-life acting, has drawn praise from social media influencers and keyboard warriors. Mindy Mendez, a scientist confined to a wheelchair, and Jamie Rodriguez, a transgender sidekick with an undisclosed set of superpowers, are being hailed as heroes, even though their heroic deeds are entirely hypothetical.

The film’s promotion of merchandise has seen a record-breaking pre-sale period, with “The Marvels” dolls, action figures, and clothing lines selling out, despite their non-existence. Fans around the world have been excited to purchase merchandise connected to a movie they can’t actually watch.

At a recent press conference, the film’s producer, Megan Rainsworth, shared her amazement at the film’s success. “Who needs to see a movie when you can tell the world how great it is without ever experiencing it? ‘The Marvels’ is a revolutionary film, changing the game when it comes to promoting social and political agendas.”

While theaters remained empty, Twitter exploded with praise for “The Marvels.” Trending hashtags such as #HypotheticalHeroes and #WokeWithoutWatching have drawn unprecedented levels of attention to the film’s noble intentions.

It’s not just the virtual box office where “The Marvels” is breaking records; it’s the first film in history to have achieved an unblemished Rotten Tomatoes score, despite not being screened for critics or audiences.

As “The Marvels” continues its imaginary journey toward setting virtue-signaling records, Hollywood is left marveling at this peculiar phenomenon. And while no one may be watching the film, everyone seems to have something to say about it.


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