Thousands of progressives die after playing arsenic drinking game during GOP Convention

US—Thousands of progressives across the country have died from what appears to be a drinking game during the GOP Convention. Typically these sorts of games involve participants drinking beer or some other alcoholic beverage, but in this case, the progressives drank the deadly chemical arsenic.

Participants were instructed to “take a shot” every time a speaker at the Republican National Convention:

  • makes viewers feel good or hopeful about America
  • crushes racial stereotypes of blacks deviating from the Democratic Party
  • praises hard work
  • condemns looting or violence
  • evokes history or the Constitution

Participants were also instructed to punch themselves in their face whenever President Trump pardoned a reformed criminal or presided over the naturalization procedure of legal immigrants.

“It was a bloodbath,” Washington DC Coroner Bill Shates said. “The convention had such an air of hope and history and crushing stereotypes that if you were playing this game, you were going to die pretty quickly.”

The Democratic National Committee denied taking responsibility for the game but ensured family members that everyone who died will be voting several times in November by mail-in ballot.

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