WASHINGTON DC- Following its brave defense of freedom during history’s darkest moment, the January 6 insurrection, Resident Joe Biden awarded Velvet Ropes the United States’ highest honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

In front of a live audience, Joe Biden draped the medal over the ropes announcing, “Velvet Ropes saved America during… uh, you know, the thing.” All 108 people watching live on YouTube were moved to tears. “Velvet, uh, you know, did the thing that well, trunalimunumaprzure,” Mr. Biden said as he sniffed the ropes from behind.

Later, as the most popular president of all time took his afternoon nap, Press Secretary Jen Psaki told reporters Velvet Ropes earned the medal by keeping dozens of insurrectionists lined in an orderly fashion during their coup.

“If not for Velvet Ropes’ heroics, white supremacists would have massacred Congress and taken over the United States government,” she told reporters. “Without Velvet Ropes, insurrectionists could have taken their selfies from anywhere. ANYWHERE!”

Velvet Ropes declined to comment.

_{Originally published May 1, 2021}

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