MLB: First Female Ump Grounds The Cubs For Messy Dugout
CHICAGO—MLB’s first female umpire, Jen “Iron Mom” Pawol, brought Wrigley Field to a screeching halt during yesterday’s Chicago Cubs game...
Year: 2025
CNN: Trump Poised to Invade Washington DC in Alarming Escalation
In what experts are calling “the most dangerous moment in American history since the last time Trump was president,” Donald...
WNBA Players Agree to Historic Pay Increase, To Be Paid in Oversized Bendy Dildos
NEW YORK—The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) has announced a groundbreaking pay increase for its players, to be distributed exclusively...
BREAKING: Robert Mueller Surges in 2028 Democratic Polls After Admitting He Has Dementia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a plot twist that has left political pundits checking their calendars for April Fools’ Day, former...
BREAKING: Texas Democratic Legislators Flee to Las Vegas to Protest Gambling in Texas
LAS VEGAS—In a dazzling display of principled acrobatics, Texas Democratic state legislators have once again abandoned the dusty halls of...
BREAKING: Bondi Promises to Make Up for Not Arresting Epstein Clients by Not Arresting Anyone Involved in Russiagate
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi announced today that she will make up for not arresting any of the...
EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Jerry Mander, the Ingenious Inventor of Gerrymandering
In a dusty, map-cluttered shack reeking of hubris and stale whiskey, Genesius Times nabbed an exclusive with Jerry Mander, the...
BREAKING: Sydney Sweeney issues apology for being so friggin hot
Actress Sydney Sweeney issued a formal public apology Thursday after facing widespread backlash for appearing in a recent American Eagle...
BREAKING: House Republicans Narrowly Avoid Doing Anything Before Recess
Washington, D.C. — In a close call that briefly threatened to interrupt a carefully scheduled recess, House Republicans narrowly avoided...
CBS Sees Ratings Boost After Replacing Stephen Colbert With Footage of Paint Drying
New York, NY — CBS has confirmed the dismissal of longtime Late Show host Stephen Colbert this week, citing “strategic...
