UNITED STATES—We’re all aware of the massive censorship and intimidation that conservatives face on college campuses nationwide. Woke leftism and cancel culture have exacerbated these problems. Now, many campuses have escalated their war on conservatism by requiring all conservative students to seal their mouths with Gorilla Glue in order to impair their free speech – permanently.

A number of deans from the nation’s most elite universities put out a statement explaining their decision. “When we saw the hairspray girl and how her hair became glued permanently together, we were very impressed by the effectiveness of the glue,” the statement read in part. “So we reasoned – ‘Why not apply that to conservatives on campus?’ If we require our conservative students to seal their mouths with that special glue, we’ll never have to subject ourselves and our other students to their racist, white supremacist, homophobic and violent rhetoric that’s simply unacceptable in our uber-woke campuses.”

The decision ignited fierce protests from conservative students around the country. Charlie Kirk, founder of the conservative Turning Point USA, went on a firestorm of a rant on Twitter after hearing of the decision, even suggesting that conservative students should glue copies of the Constitution around their entire body using Gorilla Glue for best results, though it’s unclear how they’ll remove the copies since the glue is permanent.

Later, George Orwell was temporarily resurrected from the dead to remind everyone that 1984 was supposed to be a warning, not a manual.

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Rafi Metz

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