US—United Airlines announced today that it is bolstering its DEI requirements and is now hiring blind people to be pilots. The announcement comes amid fierce competition among corporate conglomerates, all vying to be the most woke and diverse corporation in America.

“We want our staff to reflect the diversity of and cultural changes in America,” United’s spokesman Jonathan Guerin said. “For over a hundred years it’s been accepted orthodoxy that only people with vision can fly aircraft, stigmatizing the blind. This preconceived notion on piloting aircraft has also stigmatized the trans-blind – those who are blind but identify as having full vision.

“We’re seeking to change people’s attitudes on this, and strongly believe that allowing the blind to operate aircraft is a good step in the right direction.”

Local progressive man Danny McCranefield told a reporter he’s excited by the announcement. “I feel so much better knowing that a blind person could be my next pilot,” McCranefield said. “Blind people are part of the intersectional victim hierarchy, and they’ve been oppressed for far too long by our ableist society. So I’m glad they’re gaining more representation in the airline industry.”

Capitalizing on United’s announcement, the FCC announced later in the day it’ll be allowing deaf people to be emergency dispatchers nationwide.

_{Originally published April 8, 2021.}

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Rafi Metz

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