In a stunning display of amphibian activism, renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has emerged as the unlikely champion for the preservation of the last two straight frogs on the planet. With his distinctive brand of passion and wild claims, Jones has made it his mission to protect these unique creatures from what he calls the “gay frog agenda.”

According to Jones, frogs worldwide have been subjected to a sinister plot by shadowy forces to turn them gay. But amid the chaos, only two frogs have managed to maintain their straightness, becoming the last hope for their species. Jones, known for his outlandish theories, has taken up their cause with fervor.

In a recent episode of his Infowars show, Jones declared, “These two brave, straight frogs are a beacon of hope in a world gone mad! We must protect them at all costs! They represent the very essence of traditional amphibian values!”

Jones has mobilized his followers, known as Infowarriors, to launch a grassroots campaign aimed at raising awareness about the endangered status of the straight frogs. Activists can be seen parading through the streets with signs reading “Save the Straight Frogs” and chanting slogans like “Ribbit for Heterosexuality!”

In a bid to secure the frogs’ safety, Jones has even gone as far as building a fortified bunker, equipped with state-of-the-art frog protection systems. He claims this is necessary to shield the remaining straight frogs from chemical pollutants, mind control devices, and nefarious attempts to convert them to homosexuality.

Critics of Jones argue that his focus on the sexual orientation of frogs is misguided and irrelevant. They point out that conservation efforts should prioritize the preservation of biodiversity and habitats rather than the sexual preferences of individual creatures. However, Jones remains undeterred, steadfastly defending his belief in the importance of the last two straight frogs as a symbol of defiance against an alleged amphibian LGBTQ+ conspiracy.

While the scientific community has largely dismissed Jones’ claims as baseless and lacking evidence, his commitment to the cause has captured the attention of both supporters and skeptics alike. Whether the last two straight frogs will find true sanctuary under Jones’ vigilant protection or become unwitting pawns in a larger political narrative remains to be seen.

In the meantime, the world watches with a mix of bemusement and curiosity as the charismatic conspiracy theorist battles against what he perceives as an amphibian world on the brink of a queer revolution. Only time will tell if his crusade will lead to the salvation of the last remaining straight frogs or fade into the realm of absurdity, joining the annals of Alex Jones’ most peculiar pursuits.

_{Originally published June 7, 2021.}

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