There are a few things in life that are guaranteed. The sun rises from the East daily, we all have to pay taxes, and tech giant Apple develops new products that iSheep do not actually want or need, but they still snap them up in record-quick time. The Apple Vision Pro is the latest cash cow the boffins at Apple have come up with, a mixed-reality headset that will cost the same as the national debt of a developing country when it launches in 2024.

Virtual and augmented reality is all the rage right now, and where there is hype, there is money to be made. Everyone knows that making obscene sums of money is what makes Apple directors tingle with excitement, so it was no surprise when Apple unveiled the Vision Pro headset at the company’s Worldwide Developers Conference in June and did so to much fanfare.

Apple is billing the Vision Pro headset as a “spatial computer,” a phrase coined in the boardroom that does not really mean much, but it sounds cool, so they are running with it. Users don a headset that looks strikingly similar to a pair of ski goggles, which immerses them into a virtual reality world. Anyone who can afford the immense cost of the tech can experience Michigan gambling sites like never before and can watch movies on a giant virtual screen that takes up an entire wall in a digitally darkened room. The possibilities are endless; at least, that is what the Apple PR team is telling everyone.

Apple Vision Pro Headset Commands an Astronomical Fee

Researching and developing new technology costs a lot of money. Then there is the sourcing of raw materials, such as the rare metals required for the inner workings of the tech. Of course, deciding where to place the famous Apple logo on a new device requires a team of 20 designers to spend three weeks in the Bahamas to make it perfect, too. Those costs are passed onto consumers, who are picked up, turned upside down, and shaken until the last cent, a stray button, and some fluff fall out of their pockets.

Vision Pro early adopters will have to find a staggering $3,500 if they want to get their hands, or should that be face, on Apple’s first new development since the unneeded Apple Watch. $3,500! Thankfully, or perhaps cynically, Apple has thought of everything when deciding to squeeze every last drop of disposable income from their customer base.

“Here at Apple, we are well aware of the global cost of living crisis. Our employee canteens only offer caviar thrice weekly, and we now use $20 bills instead of $50 for toilet paper. We are feeling the pinch together”, an Apple spokesperson said.

“When pricing up the super, amazing, incredible, fantastic Apple Vision Pro, we took into account that customers around the world do not have much money to spend on gadgets they will likely never use a week after purchasing them. We looked at dozens of metrics and statistics and settled on the affordable purchase price of $3,499. It would cost $3,500, but $3,499 sounds a lot cheaper. I mean, if you don’t have $3,499 spare, do we want you as a customer?“

Introducing the iMortgage

iSheep have long been able to pay monthly for the latest iPhones through the Apple Card Monthly Installments plan. A similar scheme will be available in time for the Vision Pro’s launch: the iMortgage. People are invited to apply for an iMortgage from Apple. After an intrusive credit search that will have banks and other financial institutions black flag their account for being a moron, they will be able to pay for the Vision Pro headset over five, 10, or 15 years, with an interest rate of between 25-65% depending on how poor you are.

“The iMortgage is a revolutionary way to pay for Apple products that you do not need,” said a spokesperson for the company. “Nothing gives you more status among Apple users than taking out some long-term debt to ensure you have our latest tech. Sure, we will have released six more versions of the Vision Pro by the time you have paid back all of the interest, but then you can take out another iMortgage and get your hands on the Vision Pro Super Duper Max 7. It’s a win-win scenario.”

About the Apple Vision Pro Headset

The virtual reality headsets currently available on the market today are quite cumbersome due to having to accommodate a battery into the headset’s housing. Apple wanted the headset to be as comfortable as possible, so they removed the need for a heavy battery. For once, they may have actually thought about their end user.

Virtual reality comes into its own when users can wander around their living rooms, so Apple decided that its Vision Pro users must always be tethered to a wire at all times; otherwise, the overpriced gadget does not work.

“Our developers gave two seconds thought into making the Vision Pro headset as portable as ever, then decided that being able to market the device as not needing a battery would be a better unique selling point than having the freedom to move around. Being permanently connected by a wire will make our launch game ‘Horse in a Farmer’s Field‘ even more immersive; you can pretend to be a tethered horse; what’s not to love?”

Apple has yet to announce an official release date, but it is thought the Vision Pro will become available in early 2024. They still need to find somewhere to demolish the environment by mining for precious metals, then set up a sweatshop in the Far East where workers will assemble the Vision Pro for the equivalent of $1 a month.

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