BREAKING: Federal Judge Overturns President Trump’s Claim That He’s Still Alive
WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has formally overturned President Donald J. Trump’s repeated statements that he is “alive and well,”...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Thousands of depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics demand RFK Jr stop ‘endangering our health!’
US—In a stunning display of collective wheezing, thousands of self-described “depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics” gathered outside the Capitol yesterday to...
Chicago proves it doesn’t need National Guard by only killing 7 and injuring 54 over weekend
In a bold display of civic pride, Chicago residents celebrated the city’s decision to keep the National Guard at bay...
Kamala Harris’s New Security Team to Use Only Nerf Guns
LOS ANGELES—Former Vice President Kamala Harris has replaced her lapsed Secret Service detail with a private security team armed solely...
CNN: The attacker was not a white MAGA Christian male so we’re not going to report on it
ATLANTA—In a stunning display of journalistic efficiency, CNN announced today that it would immediately cease coverage of a breaking news...
Mel Gibson starts filming Braveheart 2: the true story of 12-year-old girl fending off predatory migrants
Mel Gibson has reportedly set his sights on Dundee, Scotland, for the filming of "Braveheart 2: The Return of the...
Gavin Newsom gets bold makeover to ‘appear more presidential’
SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled a dramatic new look this week, sporting a bleach-blond combover and a radiant spray tan...
Chicago Mayor vows to fight Trump if he tries to take away the right of his people to rape and murder each other
CHICAGO — In a fiery press conference, Mayor Brandon Johnson declared he is ready to “go to war” with former...
BREAKING: FBI Raids John Bolton’s Mustache in Pre-Dawn Operation
In a stunning escalation of federal overreach, the FBI conducted a dramatic 4 a.m. raid on former National Security Advisor...
After Backlash, Cracker Barrel Reverts to ‘Old-Timer’ Logo, Slaps Sydney Sweeney on for Good Measure
In a move that screams “we hear you, but also, please look at this shiny distraction,” Cracker Barrel Old Country...
