WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has introduced a new #PandemicIsOver face mask that pre-K, kindergarten, and grade schoolers will be forced to wear this year after getting their seven booster shoots.
The new scientifically-verified product comes after Biden announced the “pandemic is over”, much to the chagrin of Branch Covidians everywhere.
“Don’t worry,” Biden said. “You can still wear your masks and engage in Munchausen by proxy with your kids. We want you to. We’re just saying COVID is over to get a win for our team.”
Biden also promoted a new phallus-shaped injectable that people can use for future COVID boosters.
“Yes, the pandemic is over, but in many ways, it’s only just begun. That’s why I love these new face masks,” Biden said.