Biden to ‘start a war or two’ in first 100 days to keep CNN, MSNBC employed

Joe Biden assured the mainstream media, in order to avoid a ‘night of a thousand pink slips’ he will, in his first 100 days, “start a war or two.”

He said he will also sign legislation that makes all media pink slips legal tender and redeemable for $20 at all Walmarts and Costcos. He was quoted as saying, “C’mon man, after the Big Guy’s in, the national media can just be the New York Times and CNN. We don’t really need more than that. I can start a retraining program. We are gonna need a lot of barbers after the Covid is fixed… in maybe ten or twenty years. They could paint nice designs on masks. We’re always gonna be wearing masks. I like ’em.”

An anonymous CNN source voiced his concerns on a Biden win. “It’s like we’re lemmings rushing to the cliff. The mainstream media is committing mass suicide. Already we have set a precedence not having any negative coverage of Slo Joe. What are we going to report on if Trump loses? Food trends? Dumb ass foreign stuff. Some of us are will form a secret resistance, a sort of ‘deep state’ reporting on, I don’t know, maybe cabinet members, the IRS is always popular… or, I guess we could just keep on making stuff up.

If Biden wins the best thing would be the tail wagging the dog. Bloody global conflicts create media jobs. Right now, everybody’s calling November 4th the ‘night of a thousand pink slips’. I still haven’t voted, myself, and now I’m leaning towards Trump. Voting my pocketbook. My job. I’ve got a drawer full of articles already written where Trump’s going to mess up, make bad decisions. Lots of stuff on how terrible a person he is. I can’t reveal who I am but I can say I am a ‘senior editorial official’ and please, just vote Trump. Think of our children.”