WASHINGTON, D.C.- With only four years to go until the 2024 Presidential election, Democratic officials are already campaigning against the next GOP candidate by accusing him or her of “decades of homophobia, racism, xenophobia, drowning puppies, islamophobia, threatening democracy and whatever other scary buzzwords will be popular at the time.”
Party strategists determined to continue their election strategy of slandering the opposition rather than putting forth viable plans of their own with likable candidates.
“More important than the issues are the candidate’s personality,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters. “He will be a sociopath with no decency or compassion. Also… he’s unhinged! Yeah, that’s a good one.”
CNN is already discussing the documents Adam Schiff possesses which reveal the candidate is secretly a direct descendant of Adolf Hilter.
“Regardless of the candidate’s gender, he or she will support the patriarchy,” AOC told reporters. “Even if you elect a female GOP candidate, our rights will be taken away just like they were during the Trump administration. We’ll be forced to wear Handsmaid’s Tale outfits… again!”
Democratic leaders also pointed out that the GOP candidate was responsible for all natural disasters that occurred since the Obama administration, a majestic time when nothing bad happened and nobody died.
“He or she is also a puppet of Russia, who got him elected in 2024,” said Chuck Schumer. “Oops, never mind. We’re not ready for that story yet.”