BREAKING: AOC Barely Survives Murder Attempt by Maskless Neil Gorsuch

WASHINGTON, DC—Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch remains at large after a blatant attempt to assassinate Congresswoman and January 6 hero, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Armed with his weapon of choice, a maskless face, Justice Gorsuch barely failed his first assassination attempt to kill fellow Justice Sonya Sotomayor. Once she escaped by social distancing, Gorsuch moved onto Washington’s second wisest Latina, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

“There I was, learning addition, when Neil starts banging on the door,” Ocasio-Cortez told reporters. “That’s when I saw his unmasked face and I thought to myself, ‘This is how I die.'”

The Congresswoman said she survived the attack by hiding in a women’s bathroom. She claims she knew she would be safe there because, “Only liberal men go into the ladies room.”

AOC described the experience as worse than The Battle of Endor but still better than her time in the Holocaust. Staffers confirmed she is taking therapy to cope with the traumatic experience.

Justice Sotomayor did not comment because our unmasked reporters were too busy trying to kill her.


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