WASHINGTON, DC—President-Elect Joe Biden announced today that on day one of his presidency, he’ll pass an executive order raising the minimum wage to $1,000,000 an hour.

“Workers have been suffering greatly through the pandemic, trying to make ends meet,” Biden said in a statement to his bathroom mirror. “I really believe workers should be earning more than they are currently. And because I’m very generous with other people’s money, I’ll be mandating that every worker in the country gets paid at least $1,000,000 an hour. And by the way, every economist whose paycheck comes from me agrees with my proposal. Alex Ocasio-Cortez gave me the idea!”

When questioned whether employers would hire workers at such a high wage, Biden dismissed the concern. He explained in a later interview that he understands that the new wage will result in the unemployment of millions of workers nationwide, but “it’s better to be unemployed at a $1,000,000 an hour then employed at just $10 an hour.”

A local professor of gender studies stated to the media that this whole thing wouldn’t be an issue if everyone just self-identified as millionaires and billionaires.

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Rafi Metz

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