former Vice President and celebrated Halliburton mascot, Dick Cheney, has launched a new political action group called “Dicks for Harris,” proudly endorsing Kamala Harris’s 2024 presidential bid.

“This isn’t about politics,” Cheney said, while adjusting his signature scowl in the mirror. “It’s about finding someone as cold, calculating, and uninspiring as myself. Kamala’s got the chops. She laughs at questions, ignores criticism, and… well, she might be as good at disappearing as I am.”

The group, comprised entirely of men named Dick or Richard (with a few honorary “dicks” thrown in for good measure), is reportedly laser-focused on uniting behind Harris’s unique ability to say a lot while meaning absolutely nothing. “We admire her ability to just be there,” Cheney said. “You know, like I was.”

Cheney hinted that the group will be doing everything it can to help Harris—possibly by staging fake quail-hunting incidents at Republican rallies.

In response, Harris cackled during a press conference and said, “The Dicks are right where I need them.”

Other members of Dicks For Harris include Rachel Levine and Michelle Obama.

Not one to shy away from reinvention, Dick Cheney is taking his talents for lurking behind the scenes to new heights by rallying an army of fellow “Dicks” to support Vice President Kamala Harris in her presidential campaign. “Dicks for Harris” is already making waves, as Cheney taps into his vast network of old-guard elites, shadowy contractors, and, of course, anyone named Dick.

When asked why he, the architect of the Iraq War and advocate of CIA black sites, would support someone like Harris, Cheney responded, “Kamala and I have a lot in common. She’s mastered the art of not answering questions, just like I did for years. Plus, we both understand the importance of being in power while doing very little. And let’s be honest—dodging accountability? I could teach a master class, but Kamala’s already well on her way.”

Reports indicate that “Dicks for Harris” is planning a series of rallies, including one at a secluded ranch where Cheney plans to teach Harris’s team the finer points of hunting for political enemies—literally and metaphorically. “She’s got potential,” he said with a grin that hasn’t seen daylight since 2008. “With the right coaching, she might even accidentally shoot someone. Then she’d really be presidential.”

The group has also announced its official mascot: a giant inflatable quail wearing a pantsuit.

Cheney’s endorsement has already drawn attention from unlikely quarters. George W. Bush, when asked about the group, scratched his head and said, “Wait, Harris is still running? Huh. Good for her, I guess.”

Meanwhile, “Dicks for Harris” is busy setting up Harris’s first official campaign event, where they’ll teach supporters how to hide in undisclosed locations while letting their partners take the heat. “It’s what I did with Bush for eight years,” Cheney chuckled. “She’ll do fine.”

Harris, when asked about the new backing, was predictably noncommittal: “I think it’s wonderful that so many… um… Dicks are coming together for a cause.” She then cackled for an uncomfortable amount of time, leaving reporters unsure whether to laugh or applaud.

As the campaign heats up, one thing is certain: the Dicks are here to stay, and with Cheney leading the charge, Kamala Harris just might have the most powerful backroom team since Halliburton.

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