NEW YORK—The Clinton Foundation expanded its reach today to include not another form of charity but a business aspect: Suicide Insurance.
Suicide Insurance is similar to life insurance, but your beneficiaries are only compensated should you just happen to accidentally commit suicide. An increase of funds are given should you publicly state before taking your life that you are either 1) mentally stable and would never do this and 2) that you intend to testify against the Clintons.
Public records (FOIA requests) have shown that Ghislaine Maxwell recently purchased said insurance. Jeffrey Epstein wanted to purchase the insurance plan but, the program had not been implemented yet.
“Yes, we have expanded our philanthropic business,” said President Bill Clinton, “But it’s not a free service. Of course it isn’t, we have to pay our bills.”
President Clinton left abruptly while mumbling something about needing to call President Trump while pretending not to like Trump at the same time. We did however catch up with Hillary Clinton.
“I am proud to be a part of the Clinton Foundation,” said the former secretary of state and presidential candidate. “We partner with NGOs and governments, as long as they fit into our agenda that is; for example, we work with Saudi Arabia, a nation who truly champions women’s rights. As for our Suicide Insurance product, we are overdue for this type of service. Every time a trusted colleague of ours commits suicide why, we have to do more than send out a tweet. I even have a ‘I’m sorry Ghislaine Maxwell committed suicide tweet already typed up and ready to go.”
Mrs. Clinton then asked us to redact what she had just said from our interview and threatened to sue us if we did not.
“Unfortunately, the coverage does not include COVID-19 protection,” a spokesman for the foundation wanted to make clear.
Edit: Because we recently printed something that we had agreed not to, we promise to investigate how and why it was allowed in, and to dismiss said intern responsible for printing the information on Ghislaine Maxwell’s impending suicide. You have our word dear readers, that we will launch a full-scale investigation into the matter, and we promise to be honest with you regarding the results. In fact, we will be just as honest with all of our readers regarding this matter as the Clintons are with the American people.