California Vows To Keep Counting Votes Until Pratt & Hilton Are Eliminated
SACRAMENTO — Citing an unwavering commitment to democratic norms, California election officials announced Tuesday that vote counting in the state’s jungle primary will continue indefinitely until Republican candidates Spencer Pratt and Steve Hilton have been mathematically removed from contention.
“Democrats have worked too hard to capture this state to let something as trivial as final tallies get in the way,” said Governor Gavin Newsom, appearing relaxed and tanned during a brief press availability. “There’s the right way, the wrong way, and the California way.”
Republican observers have grown increasingly concerned as fresh batches of ballots continue to be “discovered” in quantities precisely calibrated to erode the two candidates’ support. Party officials say they are bracing for several more rounds of results expected to materialize over the coming weeks, or months, or however long it takes.
“We can only have two Democrats running in our jungle primaries,” Newsom explained, speaking with the easy confidence of a man who has never lost an election he was supposed to win. “Otherwise, a Republican could get in and upset our vision to make our great state like Cuba. We didn’t build this one-party paradise by leaving things to chance.”
The governor vowed to press forward until the two “fascists,” as he described them, have been fully eliminated from the ballot.
“This is about protecting our democracy,” he added. “The people of California have spoken. We just need a little more time to make sure they spoke correctly.”
The interview concluded abruptly when Newsom stepped on a discarded heroin needle while gesturing toward a map of the state. Aides quickly escorted him to receive treatment, reminding reporters that California leads the nation in compassion for those affected by the very crises it has spent years managing.
As Democrats await the final, inevitable results with the quiet amusement of people watching a foregone conclusion, Republican leaders have issued a measured statement conceding the current cycle and expressing hope for better luck “next time.”
No timeline has been provided for when vote counting might conclude. Officials say only that it will end when the right people are ahead.
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