The official statement:
Due to the recent outbreak of stupidity and panic-purchasing by complete idiots, the nation is currently experiencing a shortage of toilet paper and common sense.
We expect supplied to be replenished once these sheep-minded morons have all staved to death in their homes surrounded by toilet paper but without anything to eat.
A spokesman for the CDC said that this outbreak could last longer than the COVID-19 pandemic and that there is no known cure or treatment.
UPDATE: The CDC is admitting that they are contributing to the stupidity by encouraging people to do absolutely insane things to combat the disease.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 13, 2020.