East Lansing, MI—Just as COVID-19 restrictions are being lifted across the nation, Democratic governors are celebrating Independence Day by locking down everyone in their basements.
“We couldn’t risk anyone being outside risking infection by a bad cold,” said Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. “So, we’re going to celebrate our freedoms by a statewide house arrest.”
All 24 Democrat state governors agreed a virus uptick could be expected on Saturday and on Saturday only.
Pennsylvanian Governor Tom Wolf declared grilling outdoors this weekend would spread the virus. “Grilling on July 4th is now illegal,” he told reporters. “Fireworks spread the virus too so fireworks are also illegal.”
The Democrat Governors Association unanimously agreed that “having fun” on July 4 will be banned in all their states to prevent spreading the virus.
Restrictions will be lifted July 5 and regular virus prevention measures will resume. “The virus will be less of a threat on July 5,” said Gov. Andrew Cuomo. “If you go outside July 4, you’ll wipe out nursing homes.”
“July 4 is also Independence Day?” laughed Californian Governor Gavin Newsom. “What a coincidence. Too bad I made wearing red, white, and blue illegal because those colors spread the virus.”