The presumptive Democrat nominee for President Joe Biden escaped from his basement again and managed to hold a rally with a crowd of 30 people, at least three of which were not reporters. There were fireworks shot at white reporters, some tofu watermelon, and Mystery Meat BBQ delivered from Wuhan China by none other than Hunter Biden. It was assumed that the event was an Independence Day celebration for the Biden campaign. Then things got weird.
A Gold plated coffin was wheeled out followed by a eulogy from the vice president for Ghislaine Maxwell, the girlfriend, leftist socialite, and pimp for Jeffrey Epstein. Joe Biden proceeded to talk about how Epstein had helped the Clinton Foundation and their many airplane trips together. Biden even lamented how he wished he had been where Maxwell was standing during Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. “I could have sniffed so much”, stated the former Vice President. Joe Biden read off several causes of death including being shot twice in the head, hanged by the noose from Bubba Wallace’s garage, some virus called COVID-20, and vomiting to death after seeing too many images of Calvin Klein Model Jari Jones.
Joe Biden then attempted to freestyle rap a Boys 2 Men song before Jill Biden was able to grab the senile United States Senator. With the help of former Arkansas Democrat nominee for the 2020 Arkansas US Senate race Josh Mahoney, Sleepy Joe was returned back to the basement for his regular oatmeal lunch and diaper change.
Some materials for the event were oddly enough provided by Hillary Clinton herself but are scheduled for delivery at another date. Watermelon Tofu is provided by EpsteinDidntKillHimself Farms.