HAWTHORNE, CA- Elon Musk has announced that Space X will no longer be taking volunteers for the first voyage to Mars after being inundated by Dutch Reformed Puritans attempting to escape this wretched, coronavirus-plagued world in search of a better one.

Mission planners were first confused by the list of names they first received which included an entire family of 12 from Grand Rapids Michigan.Names on the list included Chastity, Charity, Temperance, Hate-bad, Kill-sin, Doth-not-know-lechery, and Judas-not-Iscariot.

“We thought it was a joke at first!” Said Elon Musk when asked about the situation. Laughter turned to shocked surprise when the entire family showed up to the first volunteer trials wearing gold-buckled shoes and pilgrim hats.

The patriarch of the family was the first to speak. “We do humbly entreat the master of this ship to deliver these twelve wretched souls to the cruel coldness of space, the desolate sphere of Mars, and the almighty hand of God. Let us escape clutches of this foul planet, to a new world where we may seek the Lord free from the temptations and vanity of this world.”

Unfortunately, the family was denied a spot on Elon Musk’s spacecraft. Sources close to the family have told Genesius Times that the family instead settled on the barren, untouched new world of Rendville, Ohio.

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The Petty Prophet

The Petty Prophet is a shadowy figure and a reporter-at-large for Genesius Times. Little is known about him, but he’s most likely a straight white male. Ew. You should probably disavow everything he writes if you know what’s good for you. Follow at www.thepettyprophet.com

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