Theologians around the world are scrambling to make changes to established church teaching this morning after it was revealed that an entire family lost their salvation on the way to morning worship.
The Genesius Times contacted the Office of the Lamb’s Book of Life and confirmed that the names of the entire Flenderson family: Dave, his wife Abby, and their three children Carter, Calvin, and Sadie had, in fact, been removed.
“This may be unprecedented,” a representative at the Pearly Gates said. “We don’t think we’ve seen this level of unhinged depravity ever before, not even in the days of Noah. We are truly in uncharted waters.”
Sources confirmed that the process began with an unresolved argument between Dave and Abby the night before about the budget. The next morning as the family struggled to get out of the house it was found that there were only 2 individual mismatched socks and 3.5 muddy shoes available between all three kids. Dave’s and Abby’s relationship forever ended when Dave made the following passive-aggressive comment to his wife: “Huh… you make, like, 12 trips to Target every week, you think we’d have more socks.” It was at that moment an uncrossable chasm of ice descended between the two forever and ever.
The descent to madness continued when little Sadie insisted on wearing her favorite pants to church which were covered in poop, mashed banana, and some strange green crusty substance. When told she could not wear them, she melted down to an unrecoverable level of hysteria that lasted the rest of the morning. When the Flendersons climbed into their red Honda Odyssey, it took 45 minutes to get everyone in their seats, but things didn’t end there. En Route to worship before the throne of grace, 5-year-old Calvin wiped a booger in Carter’s hair, which kicked off a brutal fight unlike anything before seen in the history of mankind.
Abby looked quietly out the window the entire drive while Dave yelled back at the kids. The angels in heaven looked in horror at the sinful display they had just witnessed for the last 2 hours. Dave looked at his wife and said, “Uh… so I have a deacon meeting at…the golf course this afternoon… just so you know.” Without looking away from the window, Abby said coldly: “Fine, do what you want.”
At that moment, the angels knew what had to happen. They grabbed a huge heavenly eraser never before used, and began to remove the names of the Flendersons from the Lamb’s Book of Life. “This is a sad day for all of creation,” Gabriel said just before flying off to deliver a message to John Piper and Wayne Grudem that their Theology on eternal security would have to be updated.
Once at the church parking lot, the family climbed out of the minivan and greeted the Jones family with pleasant smiles, prompting Mrs. Jones to comment to her husband, “The Flendersons are such a sweet family. How are they so perfect?” Fortunately for the Flendersons, their worship leader had “Reckless Love” in the lineup that morning. During the final moving chorus of Cory Asbury’s top 40 worship smash hit, the entire family lifted their hands and regained their salvations.
Whew! Dodged a bullet there!