FAA to hire more people with ‘severe intellectual’ and ‘psychiatric’ disabilities to match Biden
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that has aviation experts questioning whether they accidentally boarded the wrong flight, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has declared its intention to hire more individuals with “severe intellectual” and “psychiatric” disabilities. The decision, echoing the broader trend in the Biden administration, has left many wondering if they accidentally wandered into an episode of the Twilight Zone.
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttifudge addressed the bewildered press, saying, “We’ve taken inspiration from our esteemed colleagues in the administration who, let’s say, offer a unique range of cognitive perspectives. We believe it’s time to bring that same flair to the skies. Basically, we want more retarded and psychotic people in charge of flying in this country.”
The FAA’s announcement comes on the heels of President Biden’s bold commitment to embracing intellectual diversity within his administration. Critics argue that this move could jeopardize air safety, but the FAA remains undeterred.
“We reject the notion that our air traffic controllers and aviation professionals need to conform to outdated ideas of competence,” Absurdity declared. “In fact, we’ve already tested a system where flight paths are determined by a Magic 8-Ball, and the results were surprisingly unpredictable.”
To address concerns about safety, the FAA plans to implement innovative solutions. “We’re introducing a buddy system where pilots and air traffic controllers will be paired with emotional support pigeons,” explained Absurdity. “These pigeons will provide comfort and companionship during those high-stakes moments.”
In an unexpected twist, insiders suggest that the FAA is exploring the possibility of introducing interpretive dance signals for communication between air traffic control and pilots. “We believe that dance is a universal language that transcends traditional communication barriers,” Absurdity asserted.
As the FAA embarks on this uncharted flight path, skeptics worry that the skies may become a little too friendly for comfort. However, the agency is confident that their commitment to intellectual and psychiatric diversity will usher in a new era of aviation, where turbulence is not just a weather phenomenon but a cognitive one too.
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