WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI is known for their tireless dedication to fighting horrible crimes and only horrible crimes. Like the time they sent 15 field agents to investigate a racist garage pull. And when they decided to drop the investigation on the Waukesha killer because he clearly hadn’t criticized any mask mandates at local schools.

The FBI is just simply law enforcement par excellence. That’s why it is no wonder that they have agreed to dedicate 100 percent of their law enforcement efforts to investigating and finding out who got President* Joe Biden to say “Let’s go Brandon” on a nationally-televised broadcast.

“We only investigate really bad crimes, and getting the president to basically say ‘f**k myself’ constitutes the worst of crimes, FBI Director Christopher Wray said.

The identity of the caller has already been established, but the FBI wants to make sure.

“We plan on raiding every home of everyone ever associate with the alleged caller. And if that doesn’t work, we will infiltrate every local patriot group and try to generate an insurrection to blame on him,” Wray said.

Biden said that the act was treason even though he said “Let’s go Brandon, I agree,” at the time.

The anti-Biden phrase has become popular in conservative circles as a stand-in for “F— Joe Biden,” but Jared Schmeck, 35, said he meant “no disrespect” to the president when he snuck the slogan in during the final seconds of the Friday call.

“We don’t care if it was a joke,” Wray said. “Humor has been outlawed.”

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts