Whenever a mass shooting occurs, it’s important to ask ourselves what policies could’ve prevented said shooting. With now two shootings occurring in the span of just one week, we’ve provided our readers with 10 commons sense gun control measures that can prevent future tragedies:

• Ban evil. What an amazing idea!
• Ban murder. Why didn’t anyone think of that?
• Throw all white people in prison before they’ve committed a crime. Between mass shootings and breakouts of whiteness, it’s the only way.
• Ban semi-automatic Nerf guns. For the kids.
• Provide a financial reward for every person a potential murderer would have killed. Seems like a great incentive to deter future crime.
• Outlaw anything that has the words ‘high capacity’ in its name – like magazines, kayaks, laser printers, water heaters, bathroom scales, and dishwashers. Just to play it safe.
• Ban thoughts and prayers. They’ve clearly never helped anyone.
• Limit mass shootings to only three a year. This way, potential murderers don’t feel totally hopeless.
• Lower minimum age for purchasing firearms to three years old. This way we can teach toddlers early on about the dangers of firearms. Seems fairly reasonable.
• Require all potential murderers to securely store their firearms in a gun safe and then swallow the key or throw it down the toilet. Not a bad idea.

We also considered including common sense ‘stupidity control’ to our list, but then we realized that Congress would exempt itself from the law. So, there’s that.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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