WASHINGTON, DC—The US Department of Homeland Security has issued new potential terror threats in the wake of the Afghanistan debacle.

Director Alejandro Mayorkas reported at a press conference that they will be looking out for domestic terrorists who do not have pronouns declared on social media sites like Twitter, people who are married with kids and have a normal job not related to gender studies.

“In particular, we’re looking for individuals who didn’t like the woke film Captain Marvel,” Mayorkas said. “This is an indication that they’re willing to cause harm to Congress, which is the United States.”

Citizens are instructed to contact authorities if they know of anyone who fits this profile immediately.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts