WASHINGTON, DC—Arguable the most intelligent Supreme Court Justice if not most intelligent person in the world, Sonia Sotomayor was disappointed to learn Friday that the latest Omicron variant of SARS-CoV-2 hasn’t killed everyone already and is actually much milder than previous variants.

“We were told that Omicron was going to be much worse than we could handle and that all the children were going to die,” Sotomayor said as the justices considered challenges to President Joe Biden’s vaccine mandates.

Sotomayor said that already, there were “100 bajillion children on ventilators” and that Omicron was the deadliest disease ever known to man.

The justice was sorely disappointed to learn that Omicron is basically like a bad cold. She may have been confusing it with the Ermhagerd variant, which is much more deadly.

“I refuse to believe the data that shows Omicron isn’t deadlier than the bubonic plague and smallpox,” Sotomayor said. “I listen to the science and that means I listen to Dr. Anthony Fauci.”

Justice Sotomayor made several factually false statements during oral arguments Friday:

“We’re all going to die!” Sotomayor said running out of the building with her hair on fire.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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