London begins butter knife confiscation in zero-tolerance policy

The ordinary citizen, and even most police officers, in the U.K. cannot legally own a gun.  As a result, gun crime is fairly low, yet murder in London has still reached record highs, surpassing New York City, as a result of stabbings.

Their response?  To implement tight “knife control” and start stopping-and-frisking people on the streets to find people carrying around anything pointy like a spork or anything resembling something pointy, such as a butter knife.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has launched the new initiative to ban butter knives with the slogan, “Oi, real men don’t butter their bread with knives.”

“We’re seeing a dramatic difference in a reduction in stabbings and less flavorful food. It’s a win-win,” Khan said in a press conference.

If this doesn’t work, authorities admit that they’re going to have to put everyone in straight jackets and bubble wrap while they’re out in public.