The Maricopa County Elections Department announced today that they’re still working on counting all of the votes for the 2022 midterm election, but it may take longer than expected.

“This is completely normal,” a spokesman for the department said. “We’re using Common Core math to count the votes, which slows down the process. Also, people don’t realize the physical and backbreaking labor involved in counting these votes.

“That’s why after every 100 votes, we refresh and take a shower, have brunch, drink a little wine, do yoga, meditate, and play a few rounds of cornhole. In my estimation, therefore, we may not know the official results until 2048.”

Maricopa County officials are open to any solutions on how to fix the problem, except the solutions that involve counting all of the votes in a single day.

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Rafi Metz

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