Millions celebrate Christ defeating death forever by cowering in their houses afraid of a bad cold


Christians throughout the world celebrated the day that Jesus Christ overcame death in the Resurrection by cowering in their houses, afraid to catch a bad cold.

“Easter is such a beautiful time to celebrate love conquering fear,” Karen Linklittle of Baltimore, Maryland said. “But we would never leave our house to do that! Not during coronavirus season!”

The coronavirus pandemic has struck fear in the heart of everyone and government has forced places of worship to close, especially on Easter Sunday.

“Jesus said that the gates of hell will not prevail against the Church,” Midge Peters of Oakdale, Illinois said. “But, He clearly wasn’t thinking of coronavirus. That thing is really bad! Sure, He defeated death, but He didn’t defeat COVID-19!”

Government officials have been quick to fill the void in people’s lives.

“I know it must be tough for believers not to go to church,” Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards said. “But you can still go to Walmart and worship at the altar of consumerism, since that’s essential. The altar of God—not so much.”