AKRON, OH — With most of America mourning the thousands of lives lost to the Wuhan Virus, PETA activists have focused their attention to the lives forgotten by most: those of the virus.
“End the virus genocide” yelled activist Claire Weyman outside of GOJO Industries headquarters, parent company of Purell. “Americans are so speciesist” she said, breaking down in tears. Speciesism is the human-held belief that all other species are inferior. So we’re told.
PETA representatives demand Purell stop production during the pandemic. “Purell makes the holocaust look like child’s play” said one protestor. “Trillions of virus lives lost and all you can do is focus on old people. Disgusting.”
The organization has announced plans for advertisements featuring nude celebrities reading “Masked? I’d rather get sick.”
PETA also demanded the term “computer virus” henceforth be referred to as “uninvited but precious computer program.”