Claus has been very effective at his annual gift-giving spree Christmas Eve, but this year may be the best year yet, experts claim.

Everyone’s favorite jolly gift-giver is hoping he can be 50 percent more productive while being able to make it down that many more chimneys after losing 150 pounds on the paleo-keto diet the last year.

“He will bite your head off at the slightest nit-picky thing,” Mrs. Claus said of the new Santa, “but he looks great!”

Santa is asking that all cookies left out for him this year be low-sugar and gluten-free if possible.

“And please, no soy milk, for the love of God,” Claus added.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts