Starbucks serving up newest ‘Self-Loathing’ blond roast

SEATTLE—Starbucks has been working overtime to create their new line of Boutique Roasts to appeal to their newest group of ‘riot client’ coffee aficionados.

The Floyd Roast will feature beans that have harvested from the neck of coffee trees. This special bean will be very gently pressed so as not to injure the bean in any significant way. The water to make the brew will be Fentanyl-infused. Jumbo ‘Porn-star’ beans will be used, grown exclusively in studios in West Hollywood.

The Reyshard Brooks roast will be served exclusively at Wendy’s and even more exclusively at Wendy’s Drive-Thru after midnight. Each cup will be served with a specifically designed ‘taser warmer’ to keep the brew fresh and hot for those customers ‘on the run’.

The BLM roast will be created from the darkest of beans from the deepest darkest part of Africa and served exclusively to black customers. However, black customers will be allowed to share this with white people if they take a knee and wear a Kente cloth.

The CHAZ roast, sometimes called the CHOP roast will feature beans that will be cold-brewed with liquids from recycled Porta-Potty effluent to give it an ‘all-natural’ flavor profile. Of course it will be served exclusively in the Autonomous Zone and available at the 31 burned out Starbucks within the zone.

For those wanting to warm up their cold-brew, the embers from the prior nights arson make it pretty convenient keeping the ‘all-natural’ theme alive and well. The blue-green color of this richly flavored brew makes it a ‘must-have’ when strolling this beautiful landscaped country. Salud.