STUDY: Satire is 100% more effective than ventilators, in 12% of cases

The CDC has just released their newest treatment guidelines. Though they admit they have been wrong at every turn, everything has been totally unnecessary, and shelter-in home recommendations killed people, they still issue guidelines. What? And people actually read them. Well, not people who read GT, that’s for sure.

Everybody knows, ‘laughter is the best medicine’ but has it been approved? We looked everywhere in the FDA’s formulary. We did notice cocaine, opioids, and fentanyl were clearly listed. Saweeeeet. Laughter? Nope.

Dr. Frankenst, uh, Dr. Fauci was recently asked about this very topic and said, “Until we have a vaccine for laughter, we recommend everyone frown just like me. Now it’s OK to laugh if you’re in your basement, or a forest, but in public you must wear a mask that has a frown on it so it reminds everyone to remain anxious and depressed. I mean that’s why whenever you see me on TV you want to turn the TV off and look for a sharp instrument.”

And why don’t hospitals add laughing gas to the oxygen tanks? Now I can understand not adding it to ventilators, but since more than 85 percent of people on ventilators don’t make it, maybe we should let ’em ‘die laughing’?

The answer is quite clear. Hospitals should have a direct GT feed to LCD screens attached to that thing that makes the bed go in all directions at the same time. So while you’re playing with all 47 buttons making your bed spin like Linda Blair’s head on the Exorcist, you can get all the satire that’s fit to print. You’re Welcome.