Suckers now born every 11.9 seconds: scientist

A sucker is now born every 11.9 seconds, a new study in Science shows.

“Americans who haven’t opened a book on history, math, science or literature since high school have taken comfort in the idea that there is a ‘sucker born every minute,’ as noted by physicist P.T. Barnum in 1880,” said Dr. Sue Zuki in an event held in Greenwich, England, on top of the actual line which exists on the Earth to help humans tell the time.

In an inexplicable coincidence, the “Hockey Graph” used to illustrate the increasing number of Suckers being born almost identically mirrors the “Climate Change Graph.”

“In fact, when Barnum calculated the Sucker:Time ratio in 1880, the Earth’s population was 1.5 billion people. Now that global population is over 7.5 billion, suckers are being born at a rate of one every fifteen seconds.”

Mathematicians and marketing professionals represent this apocalyptic increase in the number of living suckers as the ‘hockey stick graphic,’ because humanity now possesses roughly the same I.Q. as a hockey player who has played an entire regular season without a helmet.

As evidence that a sucker is now born every 11.9 seconds, Zuki presented recent media coverage of commonly held beliefs including:

  • Politicians from around the globe, working together, can control the temperature of the Earth so long as they have enough tax dollars;
  • Jeffrey Epstein killed himself;
  • Toddlers can and should decide what gender they are, and should then be drugged accordingly;
  • Marijuana has medical benefits found in no other tested drugs;
  • Ridesharing companies can operate more cheaply and more safely than taxi companies which have been doing this for a century, and you should immediately invest in their stock; and,
  • Vaping.